Jaumear

I sit and wait in front of a blank screen.
Nothing happens.
Nothing will ever happen if I don’t allow it.
Old drawings get smudged in my mind
but I didn’t want to forget them until death:
your smile,
the touch of your skin,
the taste of your sweat against mine.
¿Why can’t I remember?
I thought I always would.
Always.
A word that used to have some sense.
It meant every morning, when I woke up
I’d know you existed thus I could smile.
Never.
That’s now.
Nothing.
That’s what’s left either the sun raises or sets.
I fought against the dragons of oblivion,
against fierce hordes of ink stains
who hoped to erase my words.
They tried to make me go back,
to the trenches,
safe from the mortars loaded
with silences and empties you throwed at me.
I wrote a thousand lines.
A thousand verses.
A thousand lifes with you.
I lost not for giving up,
but because the rival didn’t show up.
¡I wanted to fight for you!
Struggle to death,
cry for the rage,
try again and again,
never faint.
Facing nothing.
But that nothing I talk about,
that’s what showed in your place.
To play, dance, shout, even fly,
it doesn’t matter if you can’t see me.
I wonder if it was fear,
maybe cowardice,
if it was me or it was destiny.
I was left behind.
Waving my sad sword,
now turned into an harlequin stick.
Nobody to fight with.
Nothing to defeat.
Only the shallow sound of oblivion.
Only the darkness.
I can ask as many questions as I please,
only you can answer them.
You did nothing.
Never.
And now all that’s left
are two words which describe what I’m worth.
Nothing.
Never.
Wish it could be everything,
always,
like it was, at least, when I dreamt of you.
How are you?, he asked.
She just turned away and walked.
And she walked until disappearing into the oblivion’s fog.

I wander aimlessly through the street.
Sang verses in my ears,
memories of better times.
We all know the taste
of tears.
Not all know the meaning
of happiness.
I select the parts of the people
who pass along that light me up:
a smile,
sensual lips,
eyes which observe intead of looking,
giant steps for little minds,
ogres laughing like children,
soft caress fingers,
voice tones,
legs swinging desire
and distant places
explored long time ago.
I look, scan, observe,
I grit my teeth and allow myself to dream.
I am you and him and us.
No, us never was.
I broke hearts, slept with no will
and went to bed with princesses and dragons.
Sometimes simultaneously.
Some others not.
Shows through the corner of my eye
the back of a wandering hand.
It is my hand.
I see it but I don’t realise
because now yours is not hugging mine.
People keeps passing by around me.
All alien to my misfortune, my glory,
my nothing.
If I die now, nothing will change.
I could have changed so many things
while still alive.
I could have loved you better
and my hand wouldn’t be orphaned now.
I could have realised
after selecting separated parts of the world,
the whole created is worse than your whole.
I could have missed you less
and gived you more of myself instead.
I could have…
Wait… I’m alive!
Oh, but if I am, the conditional form dies
and the present is born and so is the will for change.
Do I want to change?
I want to love you. Can you let me?

I’m going to open a new section dedicated to poetry. From now on, friday becomes the poem day in www.jaumear.com.

I inhale a mouthful of sadness.
Dense,
heavy,
almost liquid.
It slips into my organism.
Slowly.
Savoring me.
Palace defenses fall.
It is too late, it always is.
There is so much I want to say,
do, delete, redo.
Or just be.
¿What has happened?
¿When did all matter no more?
No difference made whatever I do, I say,
I think,
feel,
shout or struggle.
I lost but I didn’t die.
The defeated soldier knows no glory
and oblivion’s worst part is to be the only one who remembers.
I just wanted to love you.
You, just to forget me.
Poor luck the gods picked for me.
No more common jokes,
the orange blinking has been wiped out
from the computer’s screen: new message.
No more Imissyou,
ifyouwerehere or akissforyoutoo.
A void fills the place of the previous all.
Sweet words flew away
and there is only left on my lips
the burning of yours.
I stare melancholic the infinite kiss
living inside an image in jpeg.
I would rather go back there than remember,
but my lungs are on fire.
I exhale the mouthful of sadness.
Dense,
heavy,
full of yearning.
I just wanted to love you.
Maybe I can only achieve that from oblivion.